how do you change?

there may be pieces missing, but I don’t care… i’m back. back from the long, terrible years I lived in a pile of self help-ness, that never helped, because I could never figure out what was wrong, so i could fix it.

i’d gone to college, and quit college, and moved to Hawaii, and wanted to be a singer, and had a zillion jobs, and started and sold businesses, and got married, and had babies, and got divorced, and became penniless and homeless - then I worked triply hard to make a pile of money to hide the shame of that, and lose it all because of the shenanigans on wall street.

someone once said it was god’s money. that may be true, but still, I tried to hang on. i used every ounce of creativity and desperation I could muster, until somehow, i made things happen. banks who trusted me gave me money, at a time when no one got loans. friends loaned me money until i was able to fix and repair and sell the house that had been without windows and doors for a year, and pay it all back.

I was $1.7 million dollars in debt at the time the world was upside down in the recession, and people were losing homes front, right, and center. I was finally able to sell the house i almost lost four different times, to pay off all the money I borrowed, and then i cried. the guy who bought it told me he made as much in one commission check as i’d made from the fifteen years of hard work that got me to that point. i’m sure he meant no harm, but it cut deep.

of course, there were the bad relationships, the ones that can break you, faster than a broken economy, that really mess with your head. i left them all as well. there it is again - that same old question: why did you stay?

here’s my answer: I stayed, because i didn’t know i deserved better.

you deserve better.