i’ve never been brave

it was weird, incredibly strange and surreal, and yet in another kinder, weird way, it felt safe. you don’t have to think much when you’re in a treatment program. it’s like kindergarten - with a lot more rules - rules to wake up, rules to go to bed, lights on, lights out, meal times, group sessions, and of course, visitation hours. that is, if you’re lucky enough to have someone come visit- someone you actually want to see. let’s face it, most people here were not in the most functional relationships. addiction does that to you. it’s such a downward spiral, it tends to drag everyone down with it, because there’s just no room for anyone else, and so, it becomes all about you, or me, as the case may be.

I kept losing weight because I was in such a controlled environment, until I couldn’t lose anymore. my body rebelled. it knew I was starving to death, and a body wants to take care of you. so every calorie that went in, stayed in.

the scariest part were the drugs. hospital drugs. I didn’t know or understand prior to checking in what a teaching hospital was, or what that meant. this is the place where interns “get their hours,” where they “learn on the job,” and all the patients like me that were in the eating disorder wing, me, and my not too merry band of misfits, whose biggest pranks were smuggling in laxatives and cigarettes, or making it to the bathroom when a nurse was out of earshot- we were the lucky consumers of all the drugs they were testing.

there was just one thing I knew for sure. drugs, for some reason, terrified me.

not gonna lie...

…writing a blog is not fun. I’d think twice about it, if you’re considering it. there’s probably a zillion blogs online now, or zines. you know what a zine is, right? they’re magazines without the MAGA part. nothing to do with trump, fyi.

o.k. writing can be fun, but doing it online…hello? who’s out there? is anyone there? besides the bots, I mean.

there’s a lot of talk about community on the internet. how important it is - community’s immunity, etc. on facebook, you have your facebook community! seriously? chatting with people you’ve never met? never seeing their real face? but, hey, it’s community!

enter wide eyed emoji here.

reals.

dating sites are better. you chat till you decide to meet, but at least you can meet! as in a face to face. I’ve known half a dozen people get married after meeting on tinder or match or whatever. they are, (initially), in the truest of love. don’t be fooled, sigh, that ol’ divorce rate still haunts online matches as well.

fat camp... the heroes journey

you know that ten pounds, we all seem to want to lose? well, maybe not everybody, but, it seems like most people want to improve their health, or their waistline. especially their waistline. i guess the new science is letting us know that our girth, the width, the measurement of our waistline you know, at the belly, the belly button, um, that could be a great determiner of your longevity, or your health. so, I decided that my waistline needed a little uh, rehab, and I wasn’t quite sure how to make that happen. this all started by the way, when I turned a certain age, which along with that certain age came a certain hormonal change. y’all know what I’m talking about, right? that menopause thing? well, nobody had told me that menopause is sort of this cyclical arc. you know, you start out actually in your twenties and thirties with peri menopause, and before that you get your menstrual cycle.

um. I wonder why it’s called a men-strual cycle? why does it start with men?

anyway, it should be a wo-men-stroll-cycle. I kind of like that better. anyway, um, so it’s all kind of a arc - you know, kind of like the hero’s journey, sort of, by Joseph Campbell. you know how he talks about uh, the different stages that you go through? well, it’s the same with your wo-men-stroll-cycle. it’s like you go thru different stages. you get your period- and why’s it called a period? because maybe they’re letting you know at some point in your life it will stop. period. the end . that’s probably why it’s called your period. so, even though you get it now, period. it will stop. that was probably a good reason why they called it a period.

but anyway, when I found out in my 40’s that I was in peri menopause, which I had never heard of, which is before, as opposed to after, then what happened is, um, it was with my friend Judy, we were um, having hamburgers. because you know when you’re having your period which stop/ slash means it will stop at some point, you crave certain things. a lot of women crave chocolate, or meat, red meat, and that could be from the loss of iron, um because when you’re sloughing off all that you know, blood. I’m not good with blood by the way. I mean that kind of blood was ok, and when I say was, you can obviously understand that I am in the post menopausal phase. in other words, I’ve stopped my period. it’s a period. it ended.

so what happened is, during all this, my waistline decided to gain two inches. now, was this because of my hormonal changes? was this because of other things going on? I don’t know if I’ll ever really know the answer because I can’t go back there 15 years now when it all started, starting.

but what ended up happening is, I did get rather a wider girth. um, and as I mentioned in the beginning, the technology of measuring your waistline at the belly button to determine the state of your health is sort of the new modality, so I felt I better lose some inches, off this mystery girth that decided to uh, show its face.

and, so, I went to fat camp.

i’m not fat, you guys, just FYI. but there’s this skinny fat thing they have. it’s when you don’t appear to be carrying extra weight, but your body is composed of more fat than muscle, or something proportionately that is not appropriate. so anyway, so I went to fat camp where I hoped to lose the fat.

there was just one problem. I didn't.

things I loved reading/listening to lately

weathering turbulence re: money? this book - hello millennial’s! https://www.unshakeable.com

everything wellness mama - opportunities for health we can take in our own hands. this interview - amaze - esp. if you have chrohn’s or colitis. https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/

peter diamindis reinforces how positive things can be- in life, in our world, and how it’s a perfect time to be alive! https://blog.bulletproof.com/peter-diamandis-552/

the documentary TRANSCENDENCE - a must see if you need a ginormous dose of hope! plus - 2 of my friends are in it. :-) https://www.fmtv.com/join-today