the no cure, cure. anorexia to bulimia and back again.

there are times in life, when you just get tired, really tired. tired of normal. normal is sameness, and normal is not being in control. control for me only alluded to one thing - how many calories am I putting in my mouth? there I was, with the same problem, over and over. the measurement of success or failure strictly delineated by weight, and how few calories I’d ingested - which had me constantly verging on starvation. I considered that a good day.

after a few weeks, or months of this, there’d come a breaking point, and the bingeing would begin and round and round it went. this was painfully consistent, this circle I traveled in. social isolation becomes pretty top tier at this point. self esteem from this behavior hits ever new lows, with depression sidling in closer and closer - either from lack of food, and nourishment, or self loathing, or loneliness. take your pick, any one alone is a killer, but eating disorders seem to wrap it all in one svelte package. but not until I could fit in the exact right thing, would I go anywhere, or do anything different, at all.

I had the 500 calorie a day phase, and there was the hot air popcorn and bran muffin phase. that was my favorite. it allowed for lots and lots of time to slowly and deliberately chew, and feel relatively guilt free. the bran muffins of course, were considered to have some laxative effect, so that was a plus. it was always, how fast can I get rid of these calories? I used exercise and laxatives and enemas as companions on the journey of seeking less and less of me, until I was so thin, I felt almost invisible. but that was good, right? when I was so very thin, no one saw me, and I liked it. it felt safe. it was the same if I ballooned up to my highest weight. no one saw me then, either, because my body was padded and insulated from the world I clearly found so terrifying.

this drama I realized, was never going to end, and I was exhausted. I wanted it to stop but I had no idea how to make that happen. the pattern I’d created and fallen into had been with me for so many years, from that tiny beginning in my teens when I asked myself - am I too fat?

so it was then, when a couple of women I knew who were bulimic, told me about a clinic in San Francisco. they said you didn’t need to pay for it if you qualify for medi- cal. which of course, I did, as I was barely able to hold a job. working at all depended on how tight my skirt was. if it wasn’t, I could work. otherwise, the shame and embarrassment I felt about my body was so strong, I wouldn’t show up.

I did go to that eating disorder clinic - which was not an eating disorder clinic at all - but a psychiatric hospital. desperation breeds strange bedfellows.

to be continued

eating disorders, cont...

I’ve been plagued with every manner of eating disorder in my short life. the first started with the plain irritation of being irrefutably too thin. at the wrong time. like when I was 12. every single one of my friends were on diets. in high school, the grapefruit and egg one was big, as was Atkins, or, the “I only eat lettuce and carrots” one. when I’d go to these “I will not eat, but I will cook for you!” friends homes, they’d delight in stuffing me with grilled cheese sandwiches and piroshki - because as anyone on a diet knows, there’s nothing better than watching other people eat what you won’t… with the secret hope they’ll get fat, right?

up until college, I could still eat a bear - not a real one, but I could out eat anyone, and never gain an ounce. then something happened. all the girls around me, as usual, were on a diet. it got to me. I thought, maybe I was too fat? this was the first time this had occurred to me, so I too went on a diet, a very restrictive, college freshman type of diet. I’d have one box of instant oatmeal with a carton of milk in the morning, and a nice, hot, stove top ramen at night. period. I must’ve lost a lot of weight, but I liked it. I felt good. in control. I felt sexy and powerful and I thought, I had this! until I got really hungry, and m & m’s and chocolate and peanut butter and chips and pretty much anything else not tied down, started calling my name. loudly. and so it began. the nightmare. and it always was at night, mostly. there seemed to be a part of me in control during the day. but when the lights went on, and dusk settled in, let’s face it, I was hungry, and, I did not have a plan. the only plan was to not eat. but the part of me that wanted to eat seemed to have more say, and more power, and so another day would be ruined by a giant binge, and once you get started, I mean, why stop? it’s all ruined anyway, right?

HOME

I don't really live in Los Angeles, FYI...although the contact form shows a very pretty map of LA. don't get me wrong. I like Los Angeles! as a matter of fact, I could say, I love LA!

where I live now, which shall remain secret, in case someone gets a crazy idea to post my real location, and tour buses start going back and forth at all times of day and night in hopes of catching a glimpse of my famous self, my neighbors will not be pleased. at all.

I could be famous. my friend Kim tells me that. all. the. time. as a matter of fact, Kim means it definitively, as in right now! I am famous. when I was at the gym yesterday, the trainer said I was famous. is this a sign? is the universe encouraging me to embrace my new state?

that of course, is what led to covert operations per the actual location of my home/office. because, let’s face it. it’s both. a home, and an office. aren’t they all becoming that way? don’t we all work out of our homes? ok. no, we don’t all work out of our homes, or I wouldn’t have a gym to go to, where the coach said that not only was my bench press lookin’ pretty good, but that I was famous.

things I loved reading/listening to lately

weathering turbulence re: money? this book - hello millennial’s! https://www.unshakeable.com

everything wellness mama - opportunities for health we can take in our own hands. this interview - amaze - esp. if you have chrohn’s or colitis. https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/

peter diamindis reinforces how positive things can be- in life, in our world, and how it’s a perfect time to be alive! https://blog.bulletproof.com/peter-diamandis-552/

the documentary TRANSCENDENCE - a must see if you need a ginormous dose of hope! plus - 2 of my friends are in it. :-) https://www.fmtv.com/join-today